Protect the Baby-Mama!
by ShoRah69
Summary: Naruto is on edge lately with Hinata's announced pregnancy, and it doesn't help that Shikamaru smells like weed 24/7. But really, who is this new group of baddies creeping into the scene? And more importantly, why would Kishimoto even consider naming their kid something as dumb as "Boruto"? One thing is for sure: I definitely don't know. But nonetheless, enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

"I'm pregnant," she said in her softest voice.

He stared at her for a whole 10 seconds before opening his mouth. "Wh-What? Y-You're not repugnant silly. Everyone loves you haha..."

She knew she was loosing him, so she tried again.

"I said I'm pregnant Naruto-kun. We're going to have a baby." She tried to be as reassuring as she could but it didn't help much. Perhaps she should've told him earlier. It was about 9 at night. The two of them stood alone in the Hokage office. He had been working all day and she didn't want to interrupt. This wasn't exactly news you could deliver whenever.

Naruto didn't know how to handle this news. He wanted to say something. Desperately wanted to open his mouth. But the words won't come out. His palms got sweaty, knees weak, arms got heavy. Damn! Why was he singing Eminem? Mom's spaghetti.

But he really felt trapped in this trance like state. In this trance...wait...that's it!

"Release!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, startling everyone in a 3 mile radius. This didn't shock Hinata much, but Shikamaru; who happened to be lighting his 4th blunt right outside the door; immediately ran in.

"What happened?!"

Hinata glanced over and gave an awkward smile. "You know. The thing."

"Oh. That uh, makes sense. Need any help?"

"Ummm, I can't really say yet."

The stench of Shikamaru's weed brought Naruto back to reality.

"Yo-You're pregnant?! How? How can th - " He rotated his head 180 degrees and gave his assistant a stare that would've made Orochimaru stop kidnapping young boys. "You!"

Shikamaru looked surprised, confused, and scared for his life. "Huh? What? You think I had anything to do with this?"

"I don't know! Maybe! How the hell did you know she was pregnant? Unless...you impregnated her! YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!"

Hinata stopped Naruto before he could finish forming his rasengan. "Naruto-kun! I told Shikamaru because I needed advice on how to tell you. I knew you'd freak out so I asked him for help!"

Thankfully Hinata's words reached him and he calmed down a little. "I don't understand. How could this happen? We used a condom and everything!"

"Well, condoms are only about 99.9% effective." Shikamaru chimed in.

He was in shock again. "You mean there's a .1% chance of it not working?!"

"You already know that man. Remember? There was a whole episode of _Friends_ that went over this."

Shit! He was right.

Before he could gather his feelings Hinata started speaking in a nervous tone. "Well, Naruto-kun, that's not exactly what happened."

He gave her a confused look. The heck does she mean?

"See, uh, here's what really happened..."

******************Flashback*********************

Date: 2 nights ago

Time: 10 p.m.

Location: Hokage office

Naruto had just about had it with his assistant. "For the last time Shikamaru I am not changing my mind. This next law will completely outlaw weed again. In only a year it has done so much damage!"

Shikamaru was not backing down. "Damn it man, why're you being such a drag? Have you not seen the economic boom it's brought to our village? How do you not see the good?!"

"The harm outweighs the good! Remember Neji?"

"Ahh man don't bring him up again!"

"Turned out he was still alive and after 5 years of healing in the hospital the first thing he does is get high with Choji and Kiba. And what do they decide to do? Play a harmless game of tag. Well, it was harmless until Akamaru; who was also high; catches up to Neji and CHEWS HIS FUCKING LEGS OFF!"

"Yeah but that can't –"

"Then Choji, who got tired of running, used his expansion jutsu. And what does he do? He steps on Neji. HE FUCKING STEPPED ON HIM! Now he swore it was an accident and I believe him. But that doesn't change things. Forensics say the only thing left of Neji was the skin from his forehead with that green X curse mark. Can you believe that? He survived impalement from Madara only to die from a dog and an oversized Choji."

"You gotta stop bringing up that incident! I know you can't get over his death but it happened a long time ago. And I can guarantee you that it wasn't weed they were smoking."

Before Naruto could retort, Hinata stepped into his office.

"I-I hope I'm not interrupting."

"Oh hey babe. Of course you're not interrupting. Shikamaru was just about to head out."

"I was? Oh shit I was! Temari is gonna be so pissed I forgot to call her! You're lucky your girl isn't a drag like mine Naruto."

Shikamaru grabbed his jacket and bid farewell to his boss.

"I brought you some food. Thought you might be hungry." She handed him his favorite: Ichiraku Ramen with a side of Ichiraku Ramen.

"Thanks babe. You really didn't have to though." He put the food down on his table, next to his pile of papers he was supposed to get through.

"Got into another argument with Shikamaru-kun huh?"

"Geez how could you tell? Man, I love the guy but I swear. Say, you wanna drink? I have a bit left over and I don't think I can finish it myself."

"Naruto-kun you know I don't drink."

"Oh come on. You've had a rough week too. You caught your own father going to a furry convention. That's gotta be some next level trauma right there."

He was right. It had definitely been a miserable week.

"Well okay. I guess I'll have just a little."

********************Back to the present**********************

"Well? What happened after?" Naruto was getting very curious and tense.

"Well," she hesitated, but knew he had to know what really transpired. "We drank a bit and laughed a bit. Then drank a bit more and...and...well, I was having a really fun time. It feels like that doesn't happen much anymore. And then you...you grabbed me by the waist and laid me on your desk. I wanted to stop you but...when I looked into your eyes...I knew I felt the same..." She struggled to get those words out. She stared at the ground in pain, feeling like she betrayed his love.

Naruto stared at her for some time. Shikamaru was a little too into this story and was tempted to ask about the details.

Finally Naruto broke the silence. "So then...we didn't use any protection?"

"No."

"But you hadn't planned on that happening?"

"Right."

"You enjoyed it though right?"

"Yes." Wait what? Did she hear him correctly? She looked up to meet his face and saw something she wasn't expecting. He was smiling. A genuine smile. He had love in his eyes. It was actually kinda confusing.

"You're right Hinata. We don't have as much fun as we used to. I guess that's mostly my fault. Being Hokage was always my dream, but I never wanted it to stop me from spending time with the ones I loved. Especially you. I'm sorry."

Hinata was once again left speechless, but this time not with fear or sadness. So Shikamaru spoke for her. "So then...you're not freaked out?"

"Oh I'm very freaked out. But something tells me this could end up being awesome. Things might finally start to liven up around here."

He said this with genuine optimism, and Hinata's eyes started tearing up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Hello everyone! I won't lie, I forgot I had this story for a while. I was actually surprised to see more and more people giving me a chance. Well, here's chapter 2. I'll try to make chapter 3 within a month. Again, thanks to all.**

"Arrrggghhh my head! When will these headaches go away?"

Choji and Kiba sat outside their favorite Korean BBQ restaurant, dining on their 2nd serving of beef. It was a little after 10 in the morning. Kiba was out for a jog when he spotted his friend eating alone. Thought he might as well join.

"Still can't sleep well Choji?"

"No, but I would like to know what drugs you're taking to fall asleep every night."

Kiba gave Choji a serious stare before giving him a devious grin. "Half a bottle of NyQuil. Every night."

Choji looked up from his plate and stared at Kiba in shock. "Wh-Ho-…Are you freaking serious?! Do you know how much you're damaging your health?!"

Kiba laughed loudly. "Oh man, what a great response! I didn't know you cared about my well-being that much. I was just playing you man. You really think I have enough money to buy all that NyQuil?"

Choji let out a sigh of relief, but then started wondering why he should be concerned about Kiba in the first place. No, he should be angry!

"What the heck is wrong with you? I'm going insane over here and you're making jokes? I should have stepped on you instead!"

"Relax man! I'm just trying to liven things up. Look, I had a tough time with that too. But I got over it with sheer willpower. That's all it takes."

"Yeah, I call bull. In fact, I think you shouldn't even be allowed a pet. Poor Akamaru. Probably wishes he could die and go to hell so he could repent for his sin. All because you told him to chase Neji."

"Hey! Not cool man! Neji provoked us remember. ' _Damn Kiba, were you always this slow? I could understand Choji being slow cause he's fat, but you? I feel bad for Akamaru, having a slow ass owner dragging him down.'_ God was he asking for it."

"He was high! You're the one that obliged him."

"I was high too you idiot!"

Thankfully, Sakura and Ino arrived before things got too intense.

Ino was carrying a handful of flowers and Sakura was carrying medical equipment.

Choji was relieved to see Ino. She was one of the few people who really understood him, and was far better company than this asshole Kiba. "Hey Ino, what's with the flowers? Your shop delivering now?"

"They're actually from Sai. He came by my shop this morning and gave 'em to me."

Kiba looked at her in confusion. "Does your boyfriend not realize that his girlfriend owns a flower shop?"

Ino sighed. She really loves her pale knight, but he still hasn't quite learned how to perform romantic gestures.

Sakura decided to change the subject. "So, you guys heard the news right? Exciting huh?"

"What news is that?" Choji asked, wondering how many more plates of meat he should order.

"Did Naruto reauthorize use of the reanimation jutsu?! Can we bring Neji back to life?!" Kiba's eyes were gleaming with hope and a new will to live.

His friends all stared at him, first in confusion, then in pity. _Shit! Did I just say that out loud?_ For the past few weeks he worked on convincing everyone he was over it. But alas, the truth always finds a way out. He was miserable, just like Choji. It was all a ruse. He really did drink NyQuil every night.

Eventually, Ino spoke to break the uncomfortable silence. She even decided to be nice for once and pretend the poor boy hadn't said anything. "The news is quite good, and it's regarding our very own Hokage and his wife."

Choji thought for a while. Was she pregnant? No, he was sure they didn't want a kid this early. Maybe they were going to open a restaurant together...and he was going to be the official food taster!

Before he could take his guess, Sakura blurted out the good news. "Hinata's pregnant! Can you believe it? They're the first one of us to have a kid!"

The news shocked Kiba out of his current stage of depression. And it filled him with a new stage of depression. _Naruto's having a kid? First he beats me in strength, then gets the pretty girl, then becomes the Hokage, and is now having a kid? Why? Why can't it be me?!_

Choji on the other hand was quite happy hearing this. He had a lot of respect for his Hokage friend and was looking forward to a new face.

"We just got the news from Hanabi this morning. Now, I think they might still be too young but what the hell. Things might get interesting around here. And plus, I get to be an aunt! I'm gonna be the best aunt there is." Ino stared at the clouds and smiled. This child would treat her like a goddess.

Sakura on the other hand didn't agree. "Uh, sorry Ino. I've known Naruto the longest. I know what he's like, therefore I know what this kid will be like. Which means I'll get along with him better."

 _There goes Sakura again._ Ino thought. _When will she admit I'm better than her in every way? "_ Listen Sakura, I'm sure this kid doesn't want to be freaked out by your huge forehead. Plus, you're a medic. What if he starts playing with your medical equipment and stabs himself with a syringe?"

 _Why the hell is the bitch's sole purpose in life to piss me off?_ "You're funny Ino-pig. As if I would let a baby around medical equipment. But you on the other hand would be too occupied worrying about your boyfriend's terrible attempts at romance to even notice the baby swallowing insecticide!"

Choji and Kiba knew they had to stop this before things went to hell. Their bickering was nothing compared to that of these two girls.

****************Meanwhile*********************

Hinata finally opened her eyes after being asleep for what felt like forever. She knew she missed breakfast. Hell, she probably missed lunch. But she didn't care. She spent all night celebrating the wonderful news with her father, sister, and the rest of the Hyuga clan.

She would've stayed with Naruto longer, but he had to finish approving some papers. Something about deporting all self-righteous vegans? Luckily her clan was more than happy with the news. She was a bit worried about how her dad would take it, but after seeing how well Naruto reacted, she had no fear. And he actually reacted quite well. He admired how grown up and confident her daughter had become over the years, and knew she always made the right decisions. So what if this was one unplanned decision? Surely this pregnancy can only be for the best.

For a while her younger sister Hanabi was jealous that Hinata got such a hero for a boyfriend. She eventually decided it was better if Naruto was with her older sister than with some hooker (a lot of hookers moved to Konoha once they got news of the free healthcare).

Hinata stayed up until 3 a.m. singing, dancing, and just having a blast.

It was 11 a.m. and she was surprised nobody woke her. Heck, the rest of her clan might also be asleep for all she knew. But before she could get out of bed, her door opened. There stood Konohamaru, dressed in his usual ninja outfit. Hinata froze for a second before letting out a shriek and covering herself with her blanket, completely forgetting that she had pajamas on. Konohamaru was also startled to find Hinata still in bed, but also a little disappointed that she slept with clothes on.

"I'm so sorry sis! I didn't know you were still in bed."

"Ko-Konohamaru-kun?! What are you doing here?"

"What? Didn't brother Naruto tell you?"

Hinata forgot about her embarrassing situation for a bit. "Naruto-kun? Tell me what?"

"Well, he asked me to be your bodyguard for the next 9 months."

Hinata threw her blanket on the floor and looked at her husband's apprentice in confusion. "What? What do you mean bodyguard?"

"Well, he told me the news; congratulations by the way. Then told me that I should be the one who watches over you until your baby arrives."

She didn't know how to react to this. Would Naruto-kun really be this protective? Sure this is a big, life changing event. But to hire Konohamaru to watch over her...wasn't this too much?

"I'm going to head to the Hokage's office. I'm sorry Konohamaru-kun, but I won't be needing protection. I can protect myself for the first few months, then my clan can watch over me after that. Now please, I would like some privacy so I can change."

"That's what I said. But bro said you could use some extra protection. Believe me, I'd rather be doing other things myself. But he's my bro and my boss. I can't just say no to him."

Hinata started at him. "He's paying you isn't he?"

Konohamaru shifted his gaze to the floor, trying his best to stay dignified. "Ye-yeah. 30 bucks a week."

"30 bucks a week?! That's hardly anything!"

"You don't think I know that?! But now that everything is so damn peaceful, you can't exactly make much of a living being a ninja. That's why most of you got other jobs, and pretty decent ones too. But the only thing people pay me for is capturing runaway cats and unclogging the toilets of old people."

Hinata felt sorry for the kid. Seeing the grandson of a Hokage reduced to cleaning toilets...though the thought of Konohamaru having a mustache and a red hat did make her giggle.

"Listen Konohamaru, I'm going to see Naruto-kun and figure all this out. You can stay here if you want. But please let me change."

"Okay sis, whatever you say." He closed the door and thought about what he should now. "Hmmm, I wonder if they need their plumbing repaired."

**********************Meanwhile**************************

"So, this is where he's supposed to be? Are you positive?"

"Surely the Nara clan wouldn't just be protecting a bunch of magical deer. He must be here."

"Well then, I guess you grunts better start digging."

A few dozen men dug up the ground over a quarter mile radius. It took longer than expected though, what with members of the Nara clan refusing to die. Eventually they did find his burial spot (of his head anyways). They lifted him up and were a little concerned when his eyes didn't open. Could he actually have died?

"Hey, knock on his forehead. See if anyone's home."

"What? I'm not gonna knock on master's forehead you moron! That's disrespectful!"

"Look genius, it doesn't matter how we wake him up, as long as we DO wake him up? Maybe we should use the "One Thousand Years of Death" technique.

"Look, we have to wake him in an elegant way! Think of his impression of us if the first thing he feels in years are some fingers up his - "

"Ass! I found his ass, and the rest of his body." Exclaimed a fellow grunt from a few yards away.

It was at this point that Hidan finally opened his eyes. It took a while to re-adjust to the brightness of the sun and the colors of the trees, but he finally opened his mouth to express his appreciation.

"Who the hell are you bitches? And why the hell are you so fuckin' tall? And-and why is my ass-end all the way over there?!"

They weren't sure how to handle his questions, but they were warned about his personality.

"Master, we were sent to bring you back to the surface. We are underlings of the Great One, and from now on we shall obey your commands as well."

After Hidan got reacquainted with the rest of his flesh, he started interrogating his saviors.

"So, just who is this "Great One" and what the hell does he want with me?"

"We're not exactly sure of his identity but he took us misfits in and taught us ninjutsu. He promises to make the world a more ideal place, and we promised to help him achieve his dream. As for you master, we believe he desires your help because of your strength."

"Strength? Pshhh, I wasn't strong enough to stay above the fuckin' dirt now was I? By the way, why is this place still so damn green? Shouldn't the Akatsuki have wiped out this place along with the rest of the Leaf Village?"

"Akatsuki? Master, the Akatsuki haven't been around for years. They're all dead. You're the only one alive."

"D...DEAD?! How? How were they defeated? Someone actually defeated Pain-sama?"

"Yes. Over 6 years ago, the current Hokage Naruto Uzumaki defeated Pain. However, it turned out that the one you knew as Tobi was the one pulling the strings. He revived Madara Uchiha and nearly put the entire world under a genjutsu. Naruto, with the help of Sasuke Uchiha and the tailed beasts, put an end to Madara. Or should I say Kaguya, who was behind everything all along."

"Who the fuck is Kaguya?!"

"Just a lady who can travel through dimensions and seems to possess no weakness. Just a bunch of nonsense really."

"Wait...6 years? Did you say I've been under the ground for 6 years?! And...and that brat Naruto defeated Pain-sama...and is now the Hokage? Lemme guess, all five nations formed an alliance and Sakura can punch through a mountain?"

"The five nations have been allied since the Fourth Great Shinobi War. And Haruno Sakura does exceed most in terms of physical ability, though she probably can't punch through a meteor like Saitama can."

"Sait...do I even wanna know?"

"Perhaps master, it's a pretty good show. Anyways, shall we head back to our base?"

"One final question. This "Great One", how does he plan to create an ideal place? Does he plan to blow shit up and spread more bloodshed like the Akatsuki?"

"Well, he believes that violence is the only path to a better world, but he plans to take a smarter approach than the Akatsuki."

Hidan stared at them for a while, then at the tress and the sky. He finally came to his decision.

Quickly and efficiently, he decapitated all the men in front of him, except for one. "The Akatsuki were one of the strongest organizations in history. Yet it fell, and the forces of good only grew stronger because of it. You really think violence will do shit for your cause? Fuck that, and fuck your idiot leader."

With that, Hidan turned the other way and proceeded to leave.


	3. Chapter 3

**Remember when I said I would finish Ch.3 early? Yeah I disappoint me too.**

Hinata walked back and forth in front of the Hokage office contemplating how to talk to Naruto about this whole situation. She wasn't sure why she was so worried - of course Naruto-kun simply over-reacted and everything will go back to normal. Yet this was so out of character.

A couple of young kids were inside trying to sell Naruto their mixtape. "This tape is so fire the 2nd Hokage couldn't douse it with his water style. This tape could literally kill Madara again. This tape - "

Naruto had to cut them off. He couldn't listen to this any longer. He understood that the world had become safer and kid ninjas didn't get as many missions anymore, but mixtapes?!

"I'm sorry guys. I have no interest in Hip Hop. It's just not my thing." This was a total lie though, as for the last 2 years he's assigned the entire Anbu to locate the whereabouts of Biggie and Tupac. Still, he felt bad for the kids and made Shikamaru buy their tape.

Finally Hinata stepped into his office.

"Hey there's my girl! How did everyone take the news? I heard your whole clan partied quite hard."

"Yes we all had fun. But this morning Konohamaru-kun came to my house and said you...you've hired him to be my bodyguard for the next 9 months?"

This was the first time Shikamaru was hearing this. "Bodyguard? You serious? You think anyone's gonna have the balls to go after the Hokage's baby mama? Especially considering you're friends with pretty much EVERYONE."

"Yes Naruto-kun, I agree with Shikamaru-kun. I understand you're a little nervous but I think you're going overboard."

Naruto considered her words for a moment but decided his decision was for the best. "I'm sorry babe, I know it's not ideal. But I don't think extra precautions are a bad thing. Besides, summer is coming and the village is gonna be swarming with tourists.

"Why the hell are you worried about terrorists?!"

"No Shikamaru you idiot! Tourists! Summer brings in a lot of strange characters and I don't want any of them to touch Hinata."

Hinata wasn't sure how to react. On the one hand she loved that Naruto-kun worried so much about her. Seeing the most admired man in the world be so concerned for a single person felt really comforting. On the other hand it still felt very unnecessary and intrusive.

"Naruto-kun, I really do appreciate what you're doing but I promise you have nothing to fear. We have more friends then we can count."

She looked over at Shikamaru who nodded back with a smile.

"She's right Naruto. All of us can protect her...But you know if you give me a bonus I can protect her a little better."

"Shikamaru-kun! What're you saying?"

"Hahaha calm down Hinata. I'm just playin'. We all know your beloved husband is cheaper than a hooker from Amegakure. Hell, the only thing he got me for Christmas last year WAS a hooker from Amegakure!"

"Well forgive me for trying to calm a friend stuck in an abusive relationship!"

"It's not an abusive relationship moron! Those were bite marks! Haven't you heard of BDSM?"

"Bacon and duck sandwich with mayonnaise?"

"Naruto-kun please stay on topic! You know everyone in the village are our friends! We will always be protected just like how we protect them. Please don't waste Konohamaru-kun's talents on me. That's not...that's not how I want this next 9 months to go!"

It was rare for his wife to get so serious. But he was just doing what was best for her... No, he decided that Hinata knows what's best for her more than anyone else.

"Okay babe. You win. But the moment something bad hap -"

"Nothing bad's gonna happen man! God you're acting like an evil organization is just gonna show up and murder a bunch of our villagers."

"Oh crap Mr. Shikamaru! How'd you find out?" They all looked over at the door and saw a young chunin with a message in his hand.

********10 minutes later*********

"I WILL FUCKING KILL EM!" Shikamaru was beyond pissed. It was true that most of his relatives annoyed him but that doesn't give anyone permission to slaughter them.

Before him laid a pile of dead bodies, all of them from his clan. Blood smeared the trees and several of their prized deer were slaughtered in the chaos. A scene like this deserved a cloudy day maybe with some rain. But no, the day was the brightest it had been all year.

"My entire clan...gone..."

"Shikamaru your entire clan wasn't murdered." Naruto tried calming his friend. "Only about half...only about three quarters were murdered."

"I'm gonna find the bastard who did this, resurrect the ten tails and have him eaten! But only after I have Orochimaru rape him!"

"What if it was a chick? I don't think Orochimaru would go for that."

Shikamaru glared at his boss.

"Hey man I'm only kidding. You know I will personally see to it that this piece of shit gets caught."

Many medical ninjas and a forensics team examined the entire area. The lead member of forensics approached the Hokage.

"Hokage-sama, it seems that much of the blood does not belong to the Nara clan. They've come from many individuals. It will take a couple days to determine their identities. We've also located no bodies aside from the Nara."

"So then the ones that survived must have taken their bodies." considered the Hokage. "But removing blood isn't as easy. Still, you say it's come from many different people? Then we're dealing with some sort of group. But why attack the Nara? Sure they're on the outskirts of the village but they're all talented fighters..."

"I know why they attacked my clan." Shikamara stood staring at a hole in the ground. "Tell me Naruto, do you know what was buried in this hole?"

"It's pretty small. Some kind of young tree?"

"No. Ask yourself: are all the members of the Akatsuki really dead?"

"The Akatsuki? Of course! The walking talking cannabis plant, the one with hand vaginas, the religious extre - " His jaw dropped as he suddenly remembered.

"But wait he can't possibly be alive! I mean it's been what? A decade?"

"Last time my clan checked in on him was a year ago. He was still alive and psychotic as ever."

"But why the hell would they steal Hidan's head? What good would that do without the rest of his - "

"Hokage-sama! The rest of Hidan's body is missing."

"Oh. Well never mind then."

"Naruto, I have a strange suspicion about how this relates to another incident. But I need to go do some research. Can you assign some shinobi here for added security?"

"No need to ask. Take as much time as you need."

************Meanwhile*************

It was a little past noon. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. The grass was green, flowers flourished and the streams flowed a beautiful light-blue color. Summer was fast approaching and the crowds were growing. Normally Hidan would have killed all these nonbelievers on site but he felt a little different today.

He stood behind a clothing store located at the edge of the village. He stole the clothes off one of the slain Nara but knew he couldn't be spotted in that. Plus the blood in it was starting to smell.

He waited until there was nobody in the store before going in. Upon entering he immediately put the owner under a genjutsu and started searching for appropriate clothing. He didn't care for fashion. Hell, he only had the one outfit. Kakuzu would always tease him for having shit hygiene, even though he always washed it after every mission.

What did men wear anymore? Shit this was confusing. All these clothes were so small and too brightly colored. It wasn't until he saw the bras that he realized he was on the wrong side. _Heh. Kakuzu would have liked those._

He found the men's section and looked for clothing that wasn't too bright or too dark. Something right in the middle should raise no suspicion. Eventually he found something that was to his liking. A Hawaiian shirt, a straw hat and a pair of shorts. Okay, maybe "like" is a strong word. In fact he very much hated it. _I look like I belong in a 90's soda commercial. Can't even tell my own damn sexual preference anymore!_ Still the outfit made the most sense. It was hot outside and it would blend in well.

The next stop was food. Hidan's entire days used to consist of nothing but pleasing his lord and telling Kakuzu to fuck himself. Anything else seemed like a complete waste of time. Food however was one of life's few pleasures that he simply couldn't ignore. Despite not needing it to survive, the sensations that different foods gave him were simply too...what was that word? Orgasmic? Yeah that was it.

He spotted a deserted shop called "Ichiraku Ramen" and thought it sounded good. He went in and ordered a large bowl of pork ramen and paid with the money he stole from the clothing store. In a few minutes his bowl was ready. He didn't know if it was just cause he hadn't smelt anything but dirt and worm shit for the past 6 years, but the aroma of this dish filled him with so much happiness a tear flowed down his eye.

He dug in at an unbelievable pace. In mere moments he was halfway done when a cute young girl sat next to him. "The usual please." she said in a soft but demanding voice. Now Hidan never cared for girls but he couldn't help but notice the short brown hair and chocolate-sweet aroma resonating from her. _Damn Kakuzu, if you brought around more girls like her then maybe I would've had more respect for you._ At least that's what he thought until he noticed her eyes. _Oh for fuck's sake!_ She was a Hyuga. Which meant she had the Byakugan. Which meant that in one look she would know that he wasn't an ordinary person. He had to play it cool, making absolutely no questionable moves.

"Hey Hanabi! It's been a long time since I've seen your youthful face!" A man with a bowl cut and serious bushy eyebrows sat next to the Hyuga. "Tell me all the wonderful adventures you've experienced! I want all the juicy details."

Hanabi smiled at the jounin. "Hello Guy-sensei. I didn't expect to see you here. I heard that you ate while you trained?"

Guy laughed. "Rumors my young Hyuga. Eating while exercising is a giant no-no. Believe me, it doesn't end well."

 _Oh isn't this just dandy._ This guy seemed like a complete goofball and throughout Hidan's time as a mercenary he's learned it's always the weird ones that give the most trouble.

He decided he had enough food and was ready to leave when the jounin excitedly yelled at him. "You! You're not from around here are you?"

 _Oh give me a fuckin' break._ "Uhh no. Just passing through."

"Yes I figured as much. But I'm afraid I can't let you leave."

Hidan locked eyes with the man and prepared all his senses to deal with whatever was thrown his way.

"I can't let you leave. Not until you've tried the world famous pork ramen! It's one of Konoha's greatest attractions!" Guy shouted ecstatically and got ready to order some ramen for this traveler.

"Oh." Hidan felt relieved but at the same time confused. "Actually I just had their pork ramen. Really tasty. I should get going. Thanks anyways."

"Is that right? Well you chose right! Enjoy your stay traveler!"

Now it was Hanabi's turn to stop him. "Hey wait. You look familiar."

 _Oh God here comes the Byakugan._

"Yes! Weren't you in a television commercial selling...what was it? Viagra?"

"Hanabi!" Guy yelled. "How does a girl in her youth know about the evils of Viagra?!"

"I'm 16 Guy-sensei. And how is it evil? I heard Jiraiya-sama took it on the daily."

"Really? Huh. That's interesting considering he got laid less than me..."

Hidan wondered if it would just be easier to kill them both. But then yet another thing happened! There was screaming from around the corner. It sounded like some villagers were being attacked. Hanabi and Guy quickly ran to the scene. Hidan trailed slowly behind them.

What they saw when they turned the corner was of the most bizarre. There were about a dozen villagers in panic because they were being attacked. Not by people but by giant bats. There must have been half a dozen of these bats ranging from under half a foot to a whole 2 feet in length. They soared above the villagers heads and were taking chunks out of their hair, ear and clothing. There was one fella lying on a collapsed table screaming "get em off!." One bat was biting his bald head while another was taking jabs at his eyes.

Hanabi rushed towards the man but was intercepted by a bat. She dodged it just in time and caught it with a gentle fist, completely paralyzing it. Another flew towards her from behind but began plummeting to the ground thanks to Guy's Axe kick. However, the bat's fall was stopped by a crying child. This wouldn't have been so bad if the bat wasn't still conscious. Guy was still in mid fall when he witnessed the gruesome site. The bat started biting off the kid's ear. _Holy fuck this is hardcore!_ Hidan thought, slightly aroused.

By the time Guy landed on the ground and kicked the bat away, half the kid's ear was gone. It looked like a half eaten potato chip with salsa for blood. _No number of push-ups and sit-ups are gonna erase this moment from my memory._ Guy had witnessed some really horrendous things in his time but this was just so absurd! How the hell did a bat of all things survive one of his world famous kicks? Maybe he was gonna have to take Tsunade's advice after all and become an alcoholic.

Hanabi had killed off the rest of the bats and tied up the one she paralyzed. The horror was finally over. Not! Another scream could be heard from a block over. "Guy-sensei! Let's -" Hanabi saw a very foreign look on Guy's face. She stared at him for a few seconds before realizing she had to do this alone. She ran off towards the scream. Hidan followed but not before walking up to Guy.

"Hey dude are you okay?"

The man was petrified, a look of pure horror and confusion engulfed his face. "My kick didn't work. His ear is gone. My kick didn't work. His ear is gone. My ki..." Guy mumbled on like a broken record.

"Didn't know leaf ninjas were such pussies." Hidan headed towards the scream.

When Hanabi arrived there were no bats in the area. There was just an elderly man by his lonesome with a look of agonizing pain. "Hel...Help me..." He fell over face first to reveal a scene more gruesome than any Hanabi had ever seen. The man's neck was being chewed by a giant rat. It must have been the size of a cat with eyes as red as blood. It had already finished chewing through half the neck.

Hanabi stood completely frozen with fear. She had a strong fear of rats ever since she got lost in the sewers as a kid and got ambushed by a swarm of rats and mice. They didn't bite or anything but they did crawl over her feet as they attempted to run away. She understood now that they must have been more scared of her than she was of them, but the trauma was dealt and it wasn't going anywhere. Brother Neji always joked that one day she would come to terms with her nightmares and become a vigilante known as "Ratman." Hanabi didn't care much for that. Besides, she would be called "Ratwoman."

She did snap out of it when she felt a rush of wind breeze past her. A kunai pierced the rat in between the eyes. She turned around and saw the tourist from the ramen shop. "I uhh used to be a part of the neighborhood watch." Yeah that sounded like a good lie.

Hidan didn't fear rats like Hanabi. Instead he hated them with a passion. One of the first sacrifices he made to Jashin was interrupted by rats rushing out of a nearby alley and biting him. Those little bastards had razors for teeth. His sacrifice used the opportunity to ignite an explosive tag. But instead of slapping it on her enemy like a normal person she decided to blow herself up! Normally Hidan loved it when people exploded into dust but not when he was using them as offerings! Since that day he has gone out of his way to execute every rodent that crossed his path.

Guy eventually gathered himself and appeared at the scene. "Good news! I found some tape and patched that kid's ear right up! He's gonna be fine. We - " Guy noticed a giant dead rat lying on top of some man's half-eaten neck. "You know, all the sudden I really miss that shark guy. What was his name? Kissanime?"

Soon several jounin appeared and evacuated the area. Guy sat on the sidewalk contemplating whether he should buy a bottle of Jack or a gram of weed. Hanabi handed over the paralyzed bat and told the jounin everything that transpired. "But it wasn't me who killed the rat. It was this per -" He was gone. How could he have left the scene without her noticing? Something about that man definitely didn't add up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello people. I wanted to thank you again for the support. My summer class will be starting soon so I might not be able to upload as often. Nevertheless, I plan to continue this story to the best of my abilities.**

It was almost 4 o'clock. Naruto stood in the medical research facility with his stomach yelling for ramen and his mind racing for answers. There were a dozen or so scientists running experiments on the unwelcome creatures in the form of blood tests and dissection.

Naruto couldn't help but laugh at this absurd predicament. Somebody dug up Hidan. The Nara clan nearly went the way of the Uchiha. And now Batman's descendants are eating the townspeople. Fuck, did he need a drink.

"Hokage-sama, it will take a while for our lab results to return." said the lead scientist. "Perhaps you should get food? Maybe some rest?"

 _Get some food? Who the hell does he think I am? I'm the goddamn Hokage! I can go days without such things!_

Suddenly a very loud, deep sound penetrated the walls, shaking the entire room to it's core. It sounded like Choji used his expansion jutsu and started moaning. That or a whale appeared. _Oh fuck what if it is a whale? Oh my god first bats now whales? Nobody warned me about this shit! That's it man, we're fucked. FUCKED!_

"Alright, nobody panic! I'm sure there are protocols for whale attacks. We - " Naruto realized that everybody was staring at him. A few of them blushed and a couple of them giggled.

"Umm, Hokage-sama. That's just your stomach."

Naruto froze. That couldn't possibly be his stomach. Then he heard it again and traced it to...his stomach. He just stood there completely embarrassed. Eventually the scientists resumed their work and Naruto used the opportunity to jolt outta there.

He closed the door behind him and pondered his next move. Well, his next move after getting some ramen. The attacked villagers were being treated by Sakura and her team. So far they were in stable condition. He wasn't sure where Shikamaru was. And then there was the matter of Hidan...Wait! His baby-mama! He almost forgot about the most important thing of all. _Damn, please tell me she knows about everything and is safe inside somewhere...Fuck! I can't take that chance._ And he bolted off to find his wife.

*************Meanwhile*****************

Hidan lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. He checked into one of Konoha's newest luxury hotels, staying in a 3 bedroom suite on the 5th floor. He would've just broken in like usual but it seemed like the entire village was on high alert. Shinobi were scattered everywhere no doubt searching for any more pests. Strangely enough the villagers went about their normal day. Perhaps the Hokage didn't want to cause mass panic. After all, it was a small incident. Then again, it was also a weird incident.

He was waiting for his food to come up. Lobster, salmon and shrimp. True, he did eat just a while ago but being underground for 6 years works up an appetite. He couldn't help but remember the many hotels Kakuzu and him would stay at. Kakuzu had a good way with money so they'd always dine fine and stay in luxury. Funny how much stuff he took for granted.

He decided he would stay in Konoha until tomorrow. He wanted to see how things would escalate. No doubt those goons would come back harder than before. Not that he cared about this village or anything. He simply wanted to learn more about those bats; no doubt those guys were behind it. The idea was simple but could prove to be very effective: genetically enhancing animals and turning them bloodthirsty. Very intriguing indeed.

The doorbell rang. Hidan could smell the deliciousness leaking into the room. He opened the door to find a short young server with a tray of food in his hand. Hidan took the food and was closing the door when the server stopped it with his foot. Hidan reopened it to find the server had his palm out.

"What? You wanna give me a handjob?"

"Uhh what?" The server was confused. "No sir. A tip?"

"A tip? Sure. All foods regardless of type must be accompanied by the lamb sauce." He looked at his tray and saw no lamb sauce. "See. You already messed up."

"No sir. I meant like, a reward for my hard work?"

Hidan gave a fatherly like smile. "Knowledge is the ultimate reward my son." Then he shut the door.

***********Hyuga residence************

Naruto walked up to the main entrance of the Hyuga clan completely out of breath. He spent half an hour shoving ramen down his throat then decided the first place Hinata would be at was at a pastry shop. Why the hell did he think that? Something about pregnant woman loving sweet foods. When he got there though, he realized it was his own stomach that was aching for sweets. _Well shit. Can't have a meal without some desert._

He then ran straight for her house which was a terrible idea. One should not perform strenuous activities immediately after eating. He had to stop halfway to throw up. Unfortunately there wasn't a bush or toilet in site so he reached for a woman's purse and just splurged inside. Villagers stared at him but he didn't care. His stomach felt better. Then he felt terrible when he realized he just puked in a lady's purse. He offered to pay for the contents of the purse but the lady said she'd much rather have the puke. Naruto had met quite a few crazed fans but damn. Hopefully she doesn't try to clone him or something.

He walked through the gate and spotted Hinata and Hanabi chatting in the main square.

"Naruto-kun! Where have you been?" Hinata ran up and gave him a warm hug. It was a little unexpected though. He was only gone for a few hours. Then again, it wasn't like he wasn't concerned either.

"Sorry Hinata. A bunch of crap just happened outta nowhere. Did you come straight here after I left the office?"

She nodded. "I stayed a while longer thinking you'd come back. Then I decided to head back home. What happened? Are the Nara okay?"

"No, and that's just the start. A lot of them were killed and the killers took Hidan's body. Soon after, a bunch of over-sized bats and rats started mauling the villagers."

Hinata stared in horror. Hanabi told her about the creatures but the rest was all new. All that happened in a few hours?

Hanabi overheard the conversation. "Brother Naruto, there was a strange man in colorful clothing who killed that rat. But he suddenly disappeared after. Something about him didn't feel right.

Naruto looked at her confused, momentarily forgetting that it was her and Guy that dealt with that situation. "A strange man? What was strange about him? Was he trying to sell his kid's mixtape?"

"What? No, he had a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat and looked like any other tourist. But the way he threw that kunai...the speed and precision were unlike anything I've ever seen."

"Most likely a shinobi from another village just passing thru. Listen Hinata," he lessened the intensity of his voice, "Until we know what's going on I want you to stay here. There's far too much we don't know."

Hinata wanted to reject but nodded in agreement. She was quite capable and could aid in the investigation, but her husband was already on edge and she didn't want to further contribute to that.

Hanabi though was a little annoyed that Naruto brushed her off like that. _Just a shinobi passing thru? Why not assist us in killing the bats then? And why just run off afterwards?_

Hinata realized just how out of breath her husband was. Since the defeat of Madara nothing too unexpected ever happened. There were always a few troublemakers and occasionally enemy shinobi from distant lands attacked. But that was to be expected. This...This was completely new. And it was obvious Naruto didn't know how to react.

"Listen Naruto-kun, perhaps you should get some rest? You don't look like yourself." Hinata hoped her words wouldn't be in vain but ultimately knew they would. Her husband's vocabulary wasn't too expansive and relaxation was a word foreign to him.

To her surprise Naruto agreed. "Yeah that sounds like a good idea. You know, I wonder if this kind of crap happened when lord 3rd was around. He'd know what to do." Naruto stared at the ground, disappointed with his inability to take action.

Hinata threw her arm over his shoulder and kissed his cheek. "Come on. I'll make you a nice bath."

************Back at the hotel**************

It was approaching 8 o'clock. Hidan had just finished watching Titanic for the first time. Itachi always spoke so highly of it. He found it a bit cliche and long but admired the production value and ambition. And that last scene where Rose allowed Jack to drown was comedic gold.

There was knocking on his door. "Finally! I ordered dinner half an hour ago."

When he opened the door though he didn't see his dinner. He saw the same server from before surrounded by 3 other male servers. They were all young like him and had angry, determined looks on their faces.

"I think you guys are confused," Hidan pointed to his left. "Orochimaru's room is over there."

"The name's Sheg, from earlier. And these are my coworkers. I'm sorry to do this sir, but your behavior caused me to take some drastic action."

Hidan was baffled. _What behavior? I was a fucking gentleman to this twat._ "I'm sorry you gotta be more specific." He then started chuckling. "Wait, did you say your name was Sheg? What kind of dumbass name is that?"

"Normally we look the other way when people don't tip." said the tallest boy standing near the back, trying to sound intimidating. "But not only did you not tip, you insulted us. And we can't let that go."

"Hey!" Now Hidan was pissed off. "How the hell did I insult you? He asked for a tip and I gave him one. Kids your age should be proud to get a tip from a member of the - " He caught himself before he said too much. Then again, would these kids even know of his once feared group? He didn't have his hat on and they didn't say anything, so he guessed the answer was no.

"Shinobi our age don't get assigned to well paying missions," said Sheg. "We live off jobs like these. And tips keep us alive. Mocking our profession is one we don't tolerate."

"Shinobi? You kids are shinobi? Tell me, does a white substance come out of your wang when you pleasure yourself? Or are you too young to even be aroused by girls?"

The boys heard enough. They all charged at once. Hidan allowed himself to get knocked down. Two of them dog-piled on him while the other two pulled out rope and scissors.

Hidan chuckled, clearly amused. "What? You gonna tie me down and trim my pubes?"

Then one of them pulled out a giant pink dildo. _What the fuck? Oh hell no!_ Hidan pushed the boys off him, sending them flying into the others. He got himself up and saw Sheg charging at him with a kunai.

"Children shouldn't be playing with sharp objects." Hidan swiftly dodged the young shinobi, grabbed his hand and twisted it behind his back. He then turned around to face the rest of his attackers and pointed the kunai at the Sheg's throat.

They all froze stiff, unable to comprehend what just happened. They saw the fear of their captured comrade as he eyed the kunai inching toward his neck.

It was a standoff in the living room with television and sofa to the left, kitchen and bedroom to the right, and a calm enemy straight ahead. To the young shinobi, it felt like an eternity. To Hidan, it was just another annoying moment in his first day back.

Unknowingly to everyone including Hidan, the shortest boy in the far back was performing hand signs. Hidan noticed a white light shining in the back and then, in a split second, it shot towards his face. He barely dodged the lightning. It collided with a tall lamp standing behind him, destroying the expensive piece of furniture.

Sheg was freed from Hidan's grasp and roundhouse kicked him square in the face. Hidan flew into the 40 inch flat screen television, completely shattering it. Two other kids rushed towards him from the left. Hidan quickly placed both feet under the coffee table and flung it at them. It shattered when it hit them, causing one of them to stumble into the coat rack and another to stumble out the open door. The remaining boy rushed to their aid. Sheg grabbed a piece of broken glass and attempted to stab the fallen Hidan.

What happened next was straight from a horror movie. The glass shard penetrated through Hidan's left hand. However, Hidan didn't flinch. Nor did he scream or react in any other way. He slowly got to his feet, grabbed the shard with his other hand and pulled it right through. Sheg's legs started quivering. Blood dripped violently from the hole in Hidan's hand, staining the fancy carpet underneath. Hidan examined the shard and a wicked smile spread across his face. He missed this feeling. In minutes the hole would patch itself up. In the meantime he got to witness a person filled with terror. Was there any better pleasure in life? Maybe getting viciously attacked by kittens. Those furry bastards were literally antidepressants.

One of the fallen kids picked up the coat rack and charged at him from behind. Hidan saw his reflection in the shard and dodged by doing the splits. This was a terrible idea though. Not because it didn't work, but because Hidan had never done the splits before. He felt something rip and prayed it was his shorts. The coat rack slammed into Sheg's chest, knocking him on his back. Hidan then accidentally elbowed the other boy in the balls. I say accidentally because that's not a move he liked to do. The only time it was appropriate to hit a guy's sack is if he hits yours first. That or if he's Kakuzu.

Hidan lifted himself up and looked at the fallen Sheg. _What a pathetic bitch._ He figured they made enough noise and was ready to finish the job. But his day wasn't getting better just yet. The kid he sent flying out the door sneaked up from behind and put him in a full nelson. "Seriously if you kids need money just go steal some like normal people!" The kid forced Hidan to turn around and face the door where the 4th and last standing boy ran straight at him, somehow wearing shoulder pads and a football helmet.

"Well that's a new one." Hidan said. "Sorry that I can't stick around though." He slammed the back of his head into his captor and escaped his grasp. Football boy had too much momentum and couldn't stop from spearing his friend in the gut. Hidan smiled at the brilliance of it all. Then he heard the sound of glass breaking. He turned around and witnessed a scene that temporarily made his immortal heart stop beating. If this was a horror movie he would've laughed. If this happened back in his early days he would've laughed. But this was the last thing he needed right now. Both the boys had smashed straight through the window.

He froze momentarily before running after them. _Please let me make it in time Lord Jashin!_ Nope. He reached the window just in time to see both kids plummeting through the ramen shop he visited earlier.

What luck. What fucking luck. His first day above the ground and he was already wishing he could go back down. He watched for a while, hoping to see any movement. None. He did see some flames though, no doubt from the stoves. _Oh good. Now they'll burn. Fantastic._ He collapsed on his ass and stared at the wall. He heard screams from below as people tried to put out the fire. He glanced at Sheg and his fallen buddy. They both saw firsthand what just transpired. The boy with the broken ball-sack started crying. Hidan didn't know if it was from the pain or from fear. Sheg just stared wide-eyed at the window. Hidan closed his eyes and lay his head against the wall. Would everyday be as terrible as this?


	5. Chapter 5

He found it a challenge to open his eyes. Sleep had been amazing, something he needed badly. After that warm shower, Hinata convinced him to relax for the rest of the day. He felt uneasy at first but quickly he forgot about the events that transpired. Her eyes were like magic, as if she put him under a perfect genjutsu.

But that was yesterday. Today he needed to gather himself and resolve this mess. He stared at the ceiling for a while, then looked over at his sleeping beauty. She looked like a goddess, even while sleeping. He gave her a kiss on the forehead and got himself up.

He put on his favorite orange outfit and proceeded to put his pants on when he noticed Konohamaru standing at the door, staring at him with disappointment in his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here Konohamaru?"

"I never left. I've been scrubbing this house inside out. I'm like a sexier Mr. Clean."

"More like a shorter Mario. Why are you just staring at me?"

Konohamaru shook his head in disapproval. "You and the misses were about to do it. You had her sweet succulent breasts on your face and what do you do? You fall asleep. Jiraiya-sama would be ashamed."

"You were watching us? You sick little bitch!"

He threw his pillow at the young shinobi. Konohamaru caught it and laid it on a nearby desk. "I'm gonna go watch Kakashi-sensi eat out Anko. Now there's a real man."

Naruto watched his apprentice leave, wondering if the rest of the day would be this strange. Weird is better than depressing though. He finished getting dressed and nearly left the residence when Hanabi called him.

"Brother Naruto! Come eat with us."

 _Huh. I knew I was forgetting something._ He joined her and her father Hiashi in the dining room. There was plenty of food, no doubt for Hinata and the other Hyuga. But right now it was just Hanabi and her father. And a half finished plate next to an empty chair. Perhaps a clan member.

There was a wide selection of food. Bacon, eggs, sausage, waffles. He took a bit of everything and smothered it in Tabasco. Hanabi found it quite revolting. _Tabasco on waffles? Everyone knows you're supposed to use mayonnaise._

He was about halfway done with his meal when Shikamaru came in. "Oh you're up I see." He took a seat at the spot with the half eaten plate, then proceeded eating from it.

"Wait that's your food? Why're you even here?"

Shikamaru was enjoying his Italian sausage. "Got here 20 mins ago. Had to take a piss. Anyways," he swallowed. "We need to discuss somethings. Lets head straight to the office after this."

"Sure. I just need to stop and pick up some lunch first."

Shikamaru, Hanabi and Hiashi all stopped eating and nervously glanced at one another.

Naruto didn't notice, he just continued eating. "I was thinking something different today."

They all breathed a sigh of relief.

"Ichiraku Ramen now has instant Cup Ramen. Apparently it's worshiped by college kids everywhere."

Shikamaru swallowed his fork. "GAAAHHH!"

Naruto acted quick and performed the Heimlich. Within seconds the fork launched out of his mouth and into Hiashi's left eye. "AHHH FUCK YOU SHIKAMARU!"

Hanabi rushed over to her dad. "Wait Hanabi don't pul -" Too late. She pulled it out in one swift motion and blood squirted everywhere.

"Hanabi you idiot!" Hiashi looked out his good eye and saw the blood covered food. "We could've eaten that!"

Hanabi was in disbelief. "You've been stabbed with a fork and you're worried about food?!"

"Oh shut up! Your sister would've thought things through." Hiashi started wobbling to the door.

Shikamaru stared at him, unable to process what just happened. "Umm, I'm really sorry sir."

"Don't worry, I'm sure I deserve it." They heard him screaming and swearing as he walked away. Hanabi snapped out of confusion and ran after him.

"Well," Naruto sat down and picked up his fork. "That was weird."

Shikamaru watched him take a bite out of his waffle. "How the hell do you still have an appetite?"

"What? I'm not wasting food. Besides, I'm only eating the bits that aren't stained with blood."

Shikamaru sighed and sat beside him. "Listen, we don't have time to get lunch now. I'll have someone pick up something for you."

Naruto considered the option. For some reason he didn't fully trust anyone with the simple task of picking up food. However, there was plenty of work to be done so he agreed.

It took about 20 minutes to arrive at the Hokage office. There were a few jounin and other officials waiting outside the door, no doubt wanting answers. Shikamaru shooed them away and took his boss inside.

Naruto took a seat behind his desk and was handed a slim folder by Shikamaru. "Here are the assholes that attacked my clan."

There were about a dozen black and white pages, each containing a face, body description and criminal record.

Naruto shifted through each page. "Looks like we got everything from murder all the way to...Grand Theft Auto. What the hell is Grand Theft Auto?"

"A game that people claim causes children to become violent. An idiot claim really, just like your stance on weed."

Naruto gave his assistant a look, then went back to the pages. "They're all A-Rank and below. It doesn't appear that they have anything in common though. So why are they working together? You think somebody's paying them?"

Shikamaru sat down across him. "That must mean their employer is rich as hell. Aside from Feudal Lords, I can't think of anyone with enough money to hire so many notorious goons."

Naruto rubbed his chin, appearing to be in deep thought. _Damn. This would be better if I had a beard._

Shikamaru broke the silence. "I did some research. Three weeks ago in Amegakure, about a half dozen local ninja were slaughtered near Pain's Tower."

Naruto was just hearing about this for the first time. "You mean the tower Pain used to reside in? Why am I just now hearing about this?"

"Because the village didn't think anything of it. They assumed it was just another group of bandits trying to rob their largest bank, located inside the tower. But here's the kicker." Shikamaru put his feet on the desk. "They fled the scene before village reinforcements could arrive. Only their blood remained."

Naruto was putting two and two together. "So let me guess. The blood was analyzed and their identities were revealed. Rouge ninjas. Working together. But that doesn't directly relate to our incident."

Shikamaru gave his boss a hard look. "They never stepped into Pain's Tower, and after our incident here, I don't think that was ever their goal. They had something else in mind, something else located near the tower."

Naruto wasn't sure what he was getting at. What else was there? True, he hadn't visited the village in a few years. He really should though, after all it's the home and resting place of..."MOTHERFUCKERS!" Naruto pounded his fists on the desk, startling the people waiting outside. He had been worried all this time, but now his worry was replaced by rage.

Shikamaru tried calming his boss. "Nagato's powers have been nullified and as far as we know, nobody alive knows the Reanimation Jutsu. It wouldn't do them any good to steal his body."

Naruto relaxed a little. "Do you think they were after something else then? Maybe some secret rests in the shrine?"

"I'm not sure. I did place a call to Amegakure though, telling them to up their defenses. I even took the liberty of sending out our own shinobi, give them a helping hand."

Naruto smiled at his assistant. He knew there was a reason he kept him around. "Hey, anything on the patients or the rodents?"

"Sakura says the patients are in stable condition. They're keeping a watch. The results for the overgrown pests haven't come in yet. There is something interesting though." Shikamaru took a photo out of his pocket. "A drone captured this yesterday."

It was a photo of a cave entrance taken from about 200 feet away. It seemed normal at first. Then he glanced at the ground near the entrance. In the dirt there were footprints. And more than one pair.

"Could just be villagers or tourists."

"Not possible. That cave is in a restricted area. Remember the scuffle we had with the ninja from the water village after we drained half their reservoir?"

"Oh yeah. Not our fault our village is swarming with thirsty prostitutes. But yeah, there are a bunch of trip wires and other un-activated traps over there. So these footprints might belong to our attackers..."

He leaned back and pondered his next move when suddenly the door blew open.

"You culdn't bee mur wrong!" Konohamaru said with his mouth full, a giant meat kabob in his hand.

Hanabi stormed in behind him, no food of her own. "Oh you're calling me a liar? Hyuga never lie."

Konohamaru swallowed his food. "Neither do Sarutobi!"

The two exchanged harsh stares and Naruto intervened before anything else happened. "Whoa whoa whoa! What the hell is going on?"

Shikamaru seemed more annoyed than anything. "And why the hell does it have to happen here?"

"Brother Naruto!" Hanabi pointed at Konohamaru. "This perv tried to watch me use the bathroom!"

Konohamaru got very defensive. "For the last time I was fixing the pipes in the shower and had headphones on! I didn't even hear you come in."

Naruto couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Seriously Kono? First you spy on me and Hinata and now you're watching girls pee?"

Hanabi was shocked. "So you weren't just peeping on me?"

"Oh don't flatter yourself. The only person I peeped on is your sister because she actually has tits!"

Hanabi's face turned a bright red. Naruto couldn't tell if it was from embarrassment or from pure rage, but he knew this couldn't go on any further.

"Listen up!" He was loud and demanding, yet wasn't completely shouting. He caught everyone's attention. "There are things happening that we don't understand, things that may cause incredible harm to our village. If you two don't want to be a part of the solution, that's fine. Just don't get in my way."

Konohamaru gulped nervously. It was rare for his master to become so serious. He dared not even breathe. As for Hanabi, this was the first time she felt frightened by her brother in law. The fact that he was a goofball 24/7 made it hard for her to take him seriously. Sometimes she even questioned if he was worthy of his position. She wasn't questioning now.

They both bowed their heads and apologized. Shikamaru laughed. Naruto smiled and calmed his voice. "Great, now I feel hungry. Where did you get that kabob Kono?"

"This?" He held up his half finished kabob. "Well, I wanted Ramen but with Ichiraku destroyed I figured I'd have middle eastern."

Hanabi and Shikamaru's jaws nearly hit the floor. Naruto's heart stopped momentarily before he decided he must have heard wrong.

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

"It's a new restaurant next to Ichiraku, or at least where Ichiraku used to be." He took another bite of his food. Unfortunately it all came back out when Hanabi smacked him upside the head. "OW! What the hell was that for?"

Naruto looked over at his assistant, expression grim like Yamato's. "Shikamaru, what the hell's he talking about?"

Shikamaru looked around nervously, failing to think of a good lie. Hanabi started smacking Konohamaru some more.

Naruto shouted max volume. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ICHIRAKU?"

Everyone froze. The people outside his door froze. They were told Naruto must be kept in the dark about what happened to Ichiraku. Sounds like that plan failed.

Konohamaru spoke, voice shaking. "It...It was destroyed. When those two servers came crashing down...it was destroyed."

 _Servers? Computers haven't been discovered yet._

Shikamaru could feel his boss about to blow so he decided to spill the beans. "Look Naruto, last night four servers got into a fight with a hotel guest. It was at the top floor of a new luxury hotel, right beside Ichiraku. Two of them came crashing out the window, falling through the shop. They're in critical condition, as are Teuchi and Ayame. The other two are missing, along with the hotel guest."

Those words made no sense to him. _Ichiraku destroyed? By a fight in a hotel?_ He kept repeating those words over and over in his head, but it didn't make sense. No, it did make sense. He was choosing to deny them. Out of all the evils that befell the village, there was always one solid, steady entity that bought him comfort. An unwavering beacon of hope that had always been there for him. And for the first time, it was gone. Destroyed. No more ramen. No more...Ichiraku.

He snapped. "ARRRRGGGGHHHH!" A yellow aura engulfed him. So much energy spewed out that Shikamaru fell out of his chair and Hanabi and Konohamaru were slammed against the door.

His scream only lasted a few seconds before he turned around and sprung out the window. It happened so fast, Shikamaru thought he used instant transmission. He got himself up and realized Naruto was flying in the direction of the cave. "Shit! That idiot is going to slaughter all of them before we get any answers."

He looked over at Hanabi and Konohamaru. Both were lying on the floor, breathing heavily. "Okay." Konohamaru said. "I will never peek on your sister again."

Shikamaru thought for a second, then grew a stupid grin on his face. "Hey you two. Wanna go treasure hunting?"


	6. Chapter 6

A yellow flash. No, not THE yellow flash. Minato couldn't hope to be this fast. All anyone saw was a streak of yellow zoom past their eyes. But it wasn't just light. There was force, enough to make people fall over and break windows.

Sai and Ino were walking back home from breakfast. He treated her to the brand new _White Castle_ that opened up. Normally Ino would never eat burgers for breakfast but that inspirational documentary about those two Asian fellas traversing the harsh lands of New Jersey just for a taste of those burgers had convinced her to go. And it was quite worth it. She ate 12 sliders! She told her boyfriend she would cut off his balls if he ever told anyone just how much of a fat fuck she could be.

That's when it happened. Ino didn't see it but Sai did. He acted fast, pushing her out of the way. Unfortunately he couldn't save himself. Naruto slammed into him at 400 mph. He carried Sai for nearly 200 feet before Sai forced himself off. He sat on the ground disoriented and watched as the yellow flash vanished in the distance. "Was that...what that Naruto?" He picked himself up and dusted off his clothes.

"Sai!" It was Ino. She was running towards him. He was happy to see she wasn't hurt. "Don't worry Ino. I'm okay." He soon realized that Ino wasn't worried about him. Not one bit. "You ruined my dress you pale piece of shit! I will end you!" Sai watched in horror as his blonde princess ran at him with intent to kill. "Naruto! Wait for me!"

-Village Hidden in the Sand-

Gaara took another sip of his Earl Grey tea. It had become his tradition to have some after every breakfast. It was soothing, especially when he drank it alone in the quietness of his office. It was still hard to believe how many years had passed since the great war. So many things had changed. Kankuro now runs his own flower shop. Last year he even outsold Ino. Temari commands their Black Ops division. They've earned quite a reputation, rivaling that of Konoha's Anbu.

As for Gaara? Not much has changed for him. He remains the Kazekage, and a beloved one too. So beloved that he receives hundreds of fan mails each day. Originally sending fan mail to the Kazekage was forbidden but Gaara decided it would be a nice way to get to know each villager on a personal level. Unfortunately though, most of the mail consisted of marriage requests from girls and their parents. _Lord Kazekage, please consider marrying my daughter. She is the princess you deserve, one that can elevate your status further._ At first he chuckled at them. They ranged from being a simple paragraph plea to entire novels about why their daughter is worthy of becoming his bride. Many even contained photos of the girls in question. Some were professionally taken, in settings like sunsets and lakes. Others were...inappropriate. He asked Kankuro to dispose of those, though he never understood why Kankuro always seemed so happy to do it.

It wasn't that Gaara found the girls unattractive. Not only did most of them look like models, but they were quite accomplished. CEO's, blacksmiths, teachers, sound-cloud rappers. There was even a casino owner who sent him $10,000 dollars. Gaara sighed. He couldn't accept that. He told Kankuro to return the money. Kankuro gladly took the money from his hands.

It was obvious these girls just wanted him for his money and status. Hell, there were some guys requesting marriage as well. He wondered if something about his appearance came off as gay. Perhaps his spiky hair? Either way, he didn't want to marry somebody random. He wanted to experience true love like many of his friends in the leaf village. Sakura got the man of her dreams. Kiba and Choji were together (so he thought) and Naruto married his long time stalker. Yes, they all seemed quite happy and he craved that happiness too.

He walked over to his window. He was in the largest tower in the village, one that overlooked everyone and everything. He stared in the direction of the leaf village. He planned to visit soon to congratulate Naruto and Hinata on their baby. A child with Naruto's absurd stamina and stubbornness sounded...quite annoying actually. But mixed with Hinata's calmness and brains, now that makes an amazing combination. What would the name be though? Narata? Hinuto? Boruto? Naa, they wouldn't think of anything that dumb. His thought was interrupted when he noticed a strange yellow light appearing out of Konoha forest. At first he thought it might have been shinobi doing training. It had become common for leaf and sand shinobi to train together at the border of their territories. As he kept watching though, he realized the light was approaching the village at an alarming pace.

He ran back to his desk and grabbed his walkie-talkie. "Listen up! An object is app -" THUD! The noise was loud. He could've sworn he felt the ground shake. He walked back to the window and saw a cloud of dust where the object crashed into the outer wall. Someone spoke through the walkie-talkie. "Gaara-sama! Something just slammed into the wall. It appeared out of nowhere."

"Don't approach it. I'm heading over there now."

It only took a minute for Gaara and some Jounin to reach the outer wall. When they got there though, they were greeted with weird stares.

"What is with those dumb looks on your faces?" asked Gaara.

The shinobi weren't sure how to respond. Gaara spotted Kankuro in the mix. He was wearing a white tuxedo with diamond rings on 6 of his 10 fingers.

"Kankuro! Why the hell are you dressed like that?"

Kankuro looked up and shrieked when he saw his brother. "Ga-Gaara! What are you doing here? Aren't you looking at marriage proposals?"

"Who wants to marry me when my brother is walking around making girls wet with just his looks. Remind me how much I'm paying you again?"

"Umm." he was sweating now. "Naruto tried to break into our village!"

Gaara walked over to where Kankuro was pointing. "Naruto? Jesus, what happened?"

Naruto lay knocked out on his back, blood running down his forehead. He had slammed head first into the wall. Damn, what luck. Just last week Temari convinced Gaara to reinforce the walls with his sand. It was a long and boring process but he definitely owed her a thanks now. He wasn't expecting it to stop his best friend though.

"Kankuro."

"Yes Gaara?"

"Carry him to the hospital."

"Wait what? I'll...I'll get my suit dirty."

Gaara stared at his brother.

"Haha just kidding bro! Of course I'll carry him. Not like this suit cost me $10,000 or anything..."

-Back at Konoha-

Shikamaru stared at the scene in front of him. "Well shit. Gonna have to exhaust our budget to fix this shit. What a drag."

"How can you be so calm?" responded Konohamaru. "He literally went Legendary Super Saiyan. He could've killed someone!"

"But he didn't, did he," responded Hanabi. "His subconscious stopped him from causing serious harm. Honestly, it's basic human biology."

Konohamaru stared at her, wondering how the hell she could be so calm. Truth was though, she was just as shook as him. Not since the 4th Great Shinobi war has her brother-in-law displayed such power.

"It's as she says," responded Shikamaru, still assessing the damage. "The Jounin squad reported that nobody got hurt." Unexpectedly, he took a seat on the ground and started reaching into his pockets.

"What're you doing?" asked Hanabi and Konohamaru in unison.

"Hold on, this is important." From his right pocket he pulled out a _Black & Mild_ blunt wrap and from his left pocket he pulled out a small sack of weed. He then started rolling it on the spot.

Hanabi and Konohamaru blinked a few times to make sure their eyes weren't deceiving them. Then they both screamed in unison, "ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?"

"You literally had a dozen bong rips back at the office!" wailed Hanabi.

"I told you didn't I." Shikamaru didn't loose focus of his rolling technique. "It's essential to my well-being." Truth was, Shikamaru didn't get high for the experience or the giggles. He had a physical need for it because of the person he worked for. No sober human being could be around Naruto for that many hours of the day. Except for Hinata of course. But she was kinda weird.

He finished his rolling and stood back up. He pulled out a lighter from his vest pocket, lit his blunt, and looked back at the angry duo. "Shall we continue?"

Naruto had run on the street while in the village, thus avoiding the buildings. In Konoha forest however, he pierced his way through the trees and boulders. "Damn. And we literally had plans to construct a path here in the upcoming weeks." said Shikamaru.

Hanabi and Konohamaru cautiously followed close behind. Shikamaru had told them what they should expect to encounter. The thought of battling high class rouge shinobi was terrifying but Shikamaru insisted they tag along. "You guys caused Naruto to go ape-shit. You guys gotta fix it."

It wasn't long until the entrance of the cave was in sight. They hid behind some bushes about 100 feet away and quietly watched for suspicious activity. After about 5 minutes, they walked inside.

The entrance wasn't illuminated at all aside from the sunlight. The cave was wide enough for all of them to walk side-by-side. After a few minutes of walking there was still no light so Shikamaru pulled out a flashlight. "Well this is interesting," he said after still not seeing any sign of human activity. "Did they take their operation elsewhere?"

Konohamaru's face lit up like a small puppy being offered bacon. "So we can leave then?"

Hanabi shushed him. "Quiet! You'll get us caught!"

"Caught? Are you blind? There's nothing here."

"Then why are you whispering?" smirked Hanabi.

"Can both you kids please shut up?" asked Shikamaru.

Suddenly they heard footsteps approaching them. They quickly dived behind some rocks and waited for them to pass. Hanabi used her Byakugan to analyse the men. Two adult shinobi with backpacks were laughing and drinking as they walked towards the cave entrance.

"They seem to be normal shinobi. Nothing about their bodies seem odd." reported Hanabi.

Konohamaru was sweating now. It had been so long since he had a real fight, and now in a cave of all places. Still, at least it wasn't a swamp. There are giant green terrors lurking there...

The three of them continued their downward decent and soon encountered torches lighting their path. After about another minute of walking they heard chatter. Quietly they tiptoed behind some rocks and looked at the scene in front of them.

And what a scene it was! A lake half the size of a football field lay in front of them. The cave ceiling must have been 50 feet high. A wooden bridge spanned across the lake and at the end of it there were two men playing cards. To the left of the lake was a woman digging through some boxes. And only a couple feet in front of Shikamaru and company stood two more men smoking cigarettes. Shikamaru inched his head a little closer to them. "Those ain't cigs. Mothaphukas got weed down here."

Hanabi couldn't believe where Shikamaru's mind was. Konohamaru though was feeling a bit better. It would be a lot easier fighting them if they were baked. Then again, that one time when Lee smoked weed he actually pulled off some ninjutsu. Damn, maybe he should steal some off Shikamaru.

Shikamaru only recognized one of the men at the very end. A B-Rank criminal wanted for setting a _Gamestop_ on fire. The rest he didn't know. They all wore traditional leaf jounin outfits, no doubt for blending in with the village.

Just then Shikamaru's phone started vibrating. He quickly but quietly walked back a few steps and answered. "Sakura, I can't ta -"

"Shikamaru!" she was screaming. "The patients! The ones that were attacked. They've turned into zombies!"

Shikamaru was baffled. "Zombies? What the hell are you saying?"

"You heard me! They were getting better but all the sudden they started attacking the hospital staff. They don't seem to be conscious of their actions."

Shikamaru was speechless which was not something Hanabi and Konohamaru often saw. They huddled close to the phone.

"I couldn't even knock them out. I don't think they can feel pain. I have them detained in a closet but I don't know what to do next."

"Sakura, I don't know what to say. First Naruto ran off God knows where and now this..."

"Naruto ran off? Where'd that moron go? I swear to Go - " She was cut off by a loud noise followed by screaming.

"Sakura? Sakura! What happened?"

A few seconds later she picked up the phone. "An explosion! From the research facility down the street! I don't...I gotta go!" She hung up the phone.

"Sakura? Shit! Now what the fuck?"

"Yes, what the fuck indeed."

The trio turned around and saw two shinobi staring at them. "We were enjoying a smoke, talking about life and our ambitions when all the sudden we hear a voice we don't recognize. And who might it be? A couple of assholes who weren't invited to the party."

Shikamaru and Hanabi got into their fighting stances. Konohamaru was momentarily frozen but quickly did the same.

"Damn." Shikamaru said. "And to top it all off I'm starting to come down. What a drag this day turned out to be."


	7. Chapter 7

**So…this story still exists. For real though, I have not once forgotten about this tale. University has been kicking my ass. What else can I say? But, I'm finally done. At least for the summer. So hopefully, I can conclude this tale. I may start breaking down my chapters a bit more, so I can post more often.

Anyways, for those of you still reading this story, I thank you. It's nice knowing people appreciate my sense of humor.

Oh, and I thought I would quickly sum up what has happened thus far:

 _Hidan is in hiding after possibly killing some hotel servers. Naruto went berserk after finding out Ichiraku was destroyed. Shikamaru, Hanabi and Konohamaru went to investigate a cave, where Shikamaru got a distressed phone call from Sakura about zombie patients_

Naruto slowly opened his eyes. His head was throbbing but other than that he felt well rested. He looked around the room.

"Where the hell am I?"

The walls and floors appeared to be made from sand. There was a small night stand with what appeared to be painkillers and water. Near the window stood a bookshelf, filled with sacred texts like _The 10 Shinobi Commandments_ and _The Forgotten Art of Eating Ass._

He slowly sat up and took the painkillers, then rubbed his bandaged forehead. He couldn't recall what happened, but he guessed he must have been knocked out by Sakura after he got drunk and tried to sign documents on her chest again. _It's not my fault. It was the flattest surface I could find._ But he's never seen a room like this in Konoha. He was also clothed in a white robe, and his usual yellow jumpsuit was nowhere to be seen.

The door opened before he could think further and in came a face he hadn't seen in some time.

"Gaara! What are you doing here? Actually, just where is _here?_ "

Gaara smiled. "It's been too long, hasn't it Naruto. You are in one of my guest rooms. Tell me, do you know what happened a couple hours ago?"

"Hmmm not really. I figured I did something stupid and got knocked out by Sakura."

"Well, you definitely did something stupid. But it was not Sakura who knocked you out."

"She wasn't? Wait, did you say I'm in one of your guest rooms? But…how the hell did I get to the Sand Village? I wasn't sleepwalking again was I?"

"You sleepwalk?"

"Only when Shikamaru and I go out for ramen after work. I usually get 4 bowls."

Gaara stared at his friend. "I think you may have a problem."

"I'd hardly call Shikamaru a problem. An annoyance sure, but not really a problem. Anyways, how'd I get here?"

"You were moving at quite the speed. I happened to be gazing out at the world, wondering how things were at your village. I planned on visiting soon to congratulate you on your pregnancy."

"Umm … I'm not the one who– "

"I know you are not the one who is pregnant, Naruto. Anyways, that is when I saw a yellow light from the trees come speeding towards my village. My men are still in shock, especially Kankuro. His new suit is stained with blood."

"I crashed into your brother? Shit! I am so sorry."

"What? No, his suit got bloody from carrying you to the hospital. You collided into the city wall. Though I would have preferred if you collided with my brother. At least the city wall actually does its job."

"Oh. Okay then. That's a relief." He took a breath and tried to think about what happened, but he only drew a blank. "I really can't recall. Have you tried contacting my village?"

"I called your office and your home but could not get an answer. I will try again soon. Anyways, feel free to rest some more." He motioned towards the nightstand. "Take more edibles if you need."

"Cool. Sorry for all this trouble." He took some more water and nearly choked when Gaara's words registered. "Edibles?! Please tell me I heard wrong."

Gaara was confused. "What do you mean?"

"Why the hell are you feeding me edibles? Whatever happened to Advil?"

"My friend, these are nature's painkillers. You think the Sage of the Six Paths used Advil? Now, I must get back to my duties. I will check in on you later."

-Meanwhile-

Shikamaru stood calmly, not showing any hint of fear. Hanabi was nervous but battle ready. Konohamaru was really hoping that was sweat between his ass-cheeks.

The two shinobi facing them had kunai in hand. Neither the kunoichi nor the two shinobi in the back seemed to notice them.

"So what do we owe this pleasure to?" Asked the taller of the two. "The right hand of the Hokage coming down all the way to our little shack? You didn't send us a heads up, or we would have cooked something nice."

"That's okay," responded Shikamaru. "My wife prefers I don't eat food cooked by assholes."

The shorter of the two men started laughing. "Assholes huh? Well, when we're done with you, you'll wish you still had an asshole."

His partner stared dumbfounded at his short comrade. "What the hell kind of insult is that? You have some kind of technique that glues assholes shut? Who even taught – " he was interrupted with a kunai right to his chest.

"Perfect shot Hanabi!" Shikamaru applauded. "Didn't even need my signal." He then used his shadow technique to grab hold of the other man. "He's all yours Konohamaru."

Konohamaru felt a lot more confident and even managed a sinister laugh. He then ran straight at the shinobi and kicked him flat in the face. This was perhaps a bad idea, as the man flew back into the water.

"You idiot!" Shikamaru shouted. "Who the hell told you to kick him? Did you see Hanabi do some flashy Bruce Lee shit?"

It was too late. The kunoichi and the two shinobi in the back were alerted to their presence.

"I – I'm so sorry!" That was definitely not sweat between his ass-cheeks.

Shikamaru threw down a smoke bomb. "Alright children I think it's time we leave."

"What? Why? We can take them!" Hanabi yelled.

"Not with Mr. Eddy Gordo here. Now run!" Shikamaru lifted the frozen Konohamaru up on his right shoulder and bolted towards the cave entrance.

Hanabi felt angry the entire way there. She wasn't taught to be a coward. Konohamaru just stared at the ground in shame, feeling like he's let down his late grandfather and Naruto.

The cave entrance was in sight. It seemed like they were home free. Unfortunately, it's never that simple. The two shinobi who walked out of the cave earlier returned, blocking the entrance with kunais in hand.

Shikamaru dropped Konohamaru to the ground. "Shit! Should have brought someone to guard the entrance."

"I told you that on the way here!" Hanabi wailed. "Choji is wide enough to block the whole entrance!"

"Hanabi! Don't disrespect your elders!"

"I meant when he used his expansion technique, duh." She didn't entirely mean that.

The 3 shinobi from earlier caught up to our heroes, blocking them on all sides.

"Oh isn't this just fan-tucking-fastic!" as skilled as Shikamaru was, he wasn't confident he could take down all these shinobi while protecting his younger comrades. However, it was at this point something very unexpected happened.

Konohamaru stood up with eyes more focused than all the Sharingans on Danzo's arm.

"I am not going to be killed here of all places!"

Hanabi stared at his right hand. A sphere resonating blue aura was growing.

"Kono don't be dumb!" yelled Hanabi. "You won't reach them without getting killed too!"

Konohamaru looked at her and smiled. It was a smile that resonated confidence. It was a look she had never seen in Konohamaru.

All the sudden a shadow clone of Konohamaru appeared next to him, and in mere moments they had formed a far larger rasengan.

"Uhhh, shouldn't we be stopping this?" asked the kunoichi to her two comrades.

"Proper villain etiquette requires we wait for the hero to charge up their attack." responded her comrades.

All the sudden, the rasengan turned into a shape resembling a shuriken.

Shikamaru was in awe of what he was seeing. _Damn Naruto. This kid may just be able to take your place one day._ But he soon remembered something.

"Wait Kono! If you hit them with that they'll –"

Too late. The rasenshuriken had fired at the three enemy shinobi. But unbeknownst to them, they weren't his target. The rasenshuriken unexpectedly curved upwards and collided with the roof of the cave. The roof fell immediately, and their enemies were buried under a pile of rock.

Hanabi was unable to comprehend what just happened. It was almost as if Konohamaru was possessed by the ghost of a shinobi who wasn't completely incompetent.

Shikamaru stared for a bit too before turning his gaze back towards the two shinobi blocking the entrance. He gave them a smile. "Now, where were we."


	8. Chapter 8

It wasn't all that difficult for Shikamaru and the gang to beat the remaining two shinobi. After that, they began pulling the other three shinobi out of the rubble. Konohamaru knew the rasenshuriken would most likely kill their enemies, which they didn't want. If Ibiki didn't have at least one interrogation session a week he would resort to heroin.

He wasn't exactly sure if they had survived the collapse of the cave roof, but it was the only thing he could think of at the time. Shikamaru applauded him. Hanabi didn't say anything.

"Hey hey look at that!" Shikamaru noticed they still had a heartbeat. "It's faint, but they're alive. Okay, now what to do…" He began pondering a suitable plan.

Konohamaru sat down under a tree, quite exhausted from the first real exercise he's had in months. Plus, he put in quite a bit of power into that last attack. _I can't believe that actually worked! Shit, maybe now I can dye my hair orange, buy a prison outfit and pass off as brother Naruto. And then Hinata will be all mine._ Hanabi watched as a dumb smile spread across Konohamaru's face. She hoped he wasn't becoming obsessed with his new-found power.

"Alright, here's what we do children." Shikamaru motioned towards the two shinobi they knocked out just recently. "You two take those guys back to the village and help resolve whatever Walking Dead spinoff shit is happening. These other three will be out much longer than those two, so I'll hide them somewhere."

This did not sit well with Hanabi. "You want us to carry these idiots back all the way to the village? Do you know how far that is? We'll get blood all over our clothes!"

"You guys are barely hurt. Stop complaining and just do it."

"Yeah but…my clothes."

Konohamaru was confused. "You must have never heard the tale of the legendary second Hokage, who invented an element called "water" which; when coupled with soap; helped villagers remove stains from their clothing."

Hanabi gave him a distasteful look. "Of course you would say that, with your second-hand blue sweater. Besides," she looked at the ground, a sudden sadness in her eyes. "It's not like I can afford any more clothing..."

Shikamaru didn't understand what she meant, but he felt a bit concerned.

"Oh! Is it because you have to pay for your dad's rehab sessions?" Konohamaru blurted out. "You know, because he's a furry and all?"

Hanabi slowly raised her head and stared at the young shinobi with murder in her eyes.

Konohamaru felt a little scared, but thought it was his turn to get the best of her.

"Hey don't blame me! I overheard brother Naruto say it. Besides, it ain't that big of a deal. Maybe now he can start pulling off animal-style ninjutsu like Akamaru." 

Hanabi had heard enough and bolted straight at him. Konohamaru jumped to his feet and ran into the forest. Shikamaru wondered if he was just having a really bad trip.

It took about 10 minutes for the two to return out of the forest, both completely out of breath. Hanabi managed to get one clean hit on Konohamaru's face. It didn't stop him from having a grin though.

"Okay, now listen up. You two will take those two back to the village. I'll hide these other three somewhere, then take a stroll around the neighborhood and see if I can find our dearest Hokage."

Konohamaru had completely forgotten about his mentor amidst all this nonsense. "Wait! Let me join you. We have a better chance of finding him together."

"I understand your concern Kono," responded Shikamaru, "but it's better if you just do as I say. Besides, if he ran completely straight, he probably ended up in the sand village. Now, enough talk. Get moving!" Shikamaru was done talking and began walking down the path Naruto went. Konohamaru wanted to go after him, but Hanabi stopped him.

"Let's go. We have to make sure the village is okay." She forced a smile. "Plus, I doubt anyone or anything can hurt brother Naruto."

Konohamaru sighed and decided she was right. The two of them picked up their passengers and began their return to the village.

It was nearing mid-day when the two made it to the village entrance. They had remained pretty silent the entire way, minds too occupied with whatever was happening in the village.

Upon entering, they noticed that everything was eerily quiet. None of the guard shinobi were around. It was a ghost town.

"Well, haha, this is interesting right?" Konohamaru laughed nervously.

Hanabi tried to remain cool, but the eeriness was starting to get to her too. "I think we should start heading towards the prison and hand over these guys to Ibiki."

Before they could take more than ten steps, they were greeted by a villager walking towards them.

"Oh, look! A person." Konohamaru was relieved that there were still people alive. "Excuse me sir! I was wonder –" he lost his voice when he noticed the man was missing half his jaw. He approached Konohamaru slowly, eyes lacking any sense of humanity. He was a zombie.

Konohamaru froze stiff. This was a sight he had never seen before. Not to mention, he knew this villager. His name was Queg, father of Sheg and older brother of Meg. Him and Konohamaru were business partners for a while. Queg, being a locksmith, had keys to many villager's houses. He would sneak in late at night and destroy their plumbing, and Konohamaru would happen to pass by in the morning and would offer to fix it.

It was a good business model, until Sasuke somehow heard about it. He then lit Konohamaru's clothes on fire with Amaterasu and watched the poor kid run naked through the streets.

Hanabi grabbed Konohamaru's sleeve, snapping him back to reality. "Let's get the hell out of here!"

The two began running towards the center of the village. Slowly, the stamina of our heroes began to decline, and more and more zombie villagers began to appear. In only a couple minutes they were surrounded.

"Shit! Now what?" Hanabi looked around desperately for a way out. At this point, both of them were too tired to jump on top of a building. Plus, they didn't want to kill any of the villagers, if that was even possible.

"Well, time to do some gangster shit." Konohamaru grabbed the legs of the shinobi on his shoulder and began using him as a baseball bat.

"Kono! What the hell?" Hanabi was shocked at the bizarre scene taking place. Konohamaru was swinging with so much force, zombies were flying all over the place.

"Stop it you idiot! We're supposed to hand them over to Ibiki ALIVE!" Hanabi's words reached him, and he stopped. But in truth he only stopped because he was officially out of stamina.

"Shit, almost got a m-m-m-monster kill." He dropped the body of the shinobi, who at this point was probably dead from all the head wounds. He then slumped to the ground himself.

Hanabi rushed over and attempted to get him up but slipped on some zombie flesh and fell to the ground. To make matters worse, all the zombies Konohamaru believed he knocked out were back on their feet.

"Well, looks like this is it." Konohamaru managed a weak laugh. "To think, my dream of being suffocated to death by lady Tsunade's breasts won't come true. Damn."

Hanabi would normally smack him for such a comment but she too felt defeated. She wanted a more noble death, like her brother Neji. Well, maybe not his actual death at the hand of Choji, but his presumed death at the hands of Madara.

With eyes closed, they took each other's hands. This was it. A strange and painful way for a shinobi's end, but at least they didn't die cowards.

Suddenly, there was an explosion right in front of them. Limbs flew everywhere. At least a third of the zombies had been blown to smithereens.

Our heroes opened their eyes and saw a man with white hair emerge from the smoke. He was dressed in white cargo shorts, a blue-collared shirt and had some fashionable aviator glasses. He looked so cool yet so out of place.

He walked up to Hanabi and offered a hand. "Need some help?"

It took her a second, but she recognized the man. It was the same man that helped her before. Who he was and why he was here, she didn't know and didn't care. He was their salvation. And he was hot.

Before she could reach him however she was pulled away by Konohamaru.

"Kono! What the hell?"

"Shh! Keep your voice down. I think I recognize that guy. If my hunch is right, that's Hidan from the Akatsuki."

Hanabi was dumbfounded. "Seriously? Of all the dumb shit that's happened today, your idiocy still manages to top everything. Why the hell would Hidan be here? And why would he be helping us?"

Konohamaru eyed the man suspiciously. The man responded by staring back nervously.

Konohamaru stood up and pointed right past the man. "Is that Kakuzu of the Akatsuki ripping up the book of lord Jashin?"

Hidan turned around widly. "Kakuzu you fucking atheist I will end -"

He stopped. He fell for his trick. His hatred of having been partners with a nonbeliever for so many years has finally come back to haunt him.

Hanabi stood up and pulled out a kunai. "And just when I thought I found my white knight."

Hidan turned back around. "Alright you bastards you got me! But do you really think you can fight me? You can barely stand up and there's literally a zombie two feet behind you."

They had completely forgotten about their face-eating nightmares from a minute ago. They both slowly turned their heads and were greeted to a dozen zombies all around.

Hanabi grabbed Konohamaru's arm. "Come on. We have no choice."

She started running towards Hidan.

"Hanabi are you serious? That dude is psychotic!" Despite his verbal objection he found himself unable to stop running."

Hanabi stopped a foot away from Hidan. "If you try anything with us, I will have Choji shrink down, go inside you and expand from the inside."

 _Good lord that's brilliantly fucked up._ "Don't you worry. I have no evil intentions."

"Hey wait a second Hanabi! We forgot the shinobi we were carrying." He turned back around and saw the two shinobi being eating by a swarm of undead. "Yeah, never mind. We'll just say we lost them somewhere."

They both grabbed onto Hidan and took off. They prayed they didn't make the wrong choice.


	9. Chapter 9

Shikamaru finally made it to the edge of Konoha forest. About 5 miles ahead of him was the sand village. He figured that would be his best bet. Normally he would just call them, but his phone was dead. Sending nudes back and forth with Temari was not the best idea.

First however, he needed a smoke. "Wonder where all the damn camel went. Probably mating again in the forest."

His heart stopped when he couldn't feel his stash in his pocket. "No no no! Where is it? Fuck!" He frantically searched everywhere on his person but had no luck.

Suddenly, he heard some footsteps behind him. He turned around and was greeted by a camel with a small pouch in its mouth.

"Is that…oh shit! You little thief. Give that back!"

It was too late. The camel ate the entire stash. A whole weeks' worth of salary all gone.

Shikamaru was on the verge of tears when suddenly a whole pack of camels appeared out of the forest.

"You guys are too late. This selfish asshole took it all for himself." Shikamaru forced himself to refocus on the situation. He stared ahead at the sand village and pulled out some sunglasses from his pocket.

"Alright, which one of you deformed horses is gonna take –" he nearly fell backwards at the sight of the bright red eyes piercing him. All the camels looked as if they were possessed by the devil.

"Okay now calm down. That was a joke. Just because you have a face that only mother nature could love doesn't mean you aren't amazing creatures. You're beautiful. On the inside. And that's what matters."

It didn't help. They were still bloodthirsty. Shikamaru wondered why the hell he was trying to negotiate with camels.

That's when they charged straight at him, forcing him to run through the sand towards the sand village. He could easily just kill them but no doubt somebody would grill him about it. Shit, he didn't even know who they belonged to. It was probably the only thing Chiyo left in her will. A bunch of satanic camels. Seemed fitting for such a crazy woman.

It had been nearly 10 minutes. Somehow he had managed to outrun a bunch of animals that have evolved to live in sandy environments. His stamina was nearly drained however, and he could feel himself being sucked into the sand as his pacing slowed. He had to think of something and he had to think fast. _Think you idiot! You are literally the smartest person on the planet. Why are you blanking? Must be that glass of wine I had last week._

If he didn't spend time insulting his own intelligence, perhaps he would have seen the drop. He couldn't stop himself in time and went tumbling down the tall dune along with the camels. To make matters worse, the bottom of the dune contained a special type of quicksand capable of pulling in objects at extreme speeds. Shikamaru wasn't getting out of this one.

"If I knew I was going to die such a shitty death then I would have developed a smoking habit like Asuma sensei."

Luckily for us this is a fanfiction based on a popular shounen anime, so of course Kankuro appeared at the last minute and threw down a rope from the top of the dune.

"Grab on Shikamaru!"

Shikamaru couldn't believe his eyes. "Kankuro? By the great Rikudō Sennin, is that Kankuro?"

"Yeah man. Hurry up and grab hold!"

"Grab hold? As if I would touch anything that's been in the hands of a traitor."

Kankuro couldn't believe his ears. "Oh my Rikudō Sennin! Are you still mad about that? It's been a year. Let it go and grab the damn rope!"

"We were supposed to be a team! You bring Gaara, I bring the camera crew and Naruto acts as the woman. But you had to pussy out at the last minute, didn't you? I would rather die than get help from you!"

Shikamaru stared up into the sky as his torso began sinking into the pits of the Earth. Soon he would be reunited with mother nature and all his troubles would be over. Shame though; he really wanted to be dominated by Temari one last time.

Speaking of Temari, "Shikmaru you grab hold of that rope or so help me God I will strip you naked and have Kankuro beat you with my fan!"

Kankuro looked fearfully at his sister. "Why am I involved?"

Shikamaru couldn't believe Temari was here. She had just left Konoha yesterday and was already back on duty.

"Babe, that imagery alone is worse than the current situation I am in. So yeah, thanks but no thanks." He folded his arms behind his head and smiled. She wasn't going to get the best of him today. But Gaara would.

He crept up behind Shikamaru and in one effortless swoop pulled him out of the sand.

"Long time no see. Are you having an argument with my sister?"

Shikamaru was left speechless trying to find the right thing to say while he was lifted to the top of the dune.

"Hey Gaara! How've you been man? Listen, I wasn't actually planning to die. I mean, Kiba might be clinically depressed but I'm not haha…"

"I have nothing against you wanting to end your life. I do however have a problem with you and Temari fighting. You two are the most important people to me. I want you to be happy."

"What about me bro?" asked Kankuro ecstatically.

"Oh, are you here too Kankuro? Good, you can save the camel."

Kankuro nearly stumbled down the dune but caught himself and managed a laugh. "Good one bro."

Gaara pierced him with his eyes. "Did I stutter?"

Kankuro would have soiled his pants if Shikamaru didn't step in. "Wait! As much as we would love to see that, those aren't ordinary camels. They've gone mental."

"Mental?" Gaara peered down at the few camels that remained above the sand. He noticed their glowing red eyes and demonic screams.

"So what would you have me do Shikamaru? Just let them die?"

"What we should do is find Naruto and figure out just who the hell is behind all this shit."

"Naruto? He is in my village. He knocked himself out and is currently resting."

Shikamaru's face lit up with happiness. "Thank you ninja-Jesus! Alright then, let's get go - wait! Shit, I just remembered I left a few enemies tied up back in the forest. I was gonna go retrieve them when I found Naruto, but now I'm worried they'll be eaten by whatever other possessed beast is in that forest."

Gaara gave him a nod. "I'll send some men into the forest." He looked back down and watched the last of the camels sink under the sand. _I am sorry aunt Chiyo. The emergency food rations you left us are gone._

It took about 10 minutes to reach the sand village via Gaara's flying nimbus of sand. Upon arriving, Temari gave Shikamaru a punch to the gut and a kiss on the lips and then took off to rejoin her black ops team. _Thanks a lot babe. Now I'm turned on._

Shikamaru looked at Kankuro. "You want a kiss too?"

Kankuro shook his head in disgust. "No thank you. Okay Gaara, I'm off to my flower shop."

"Wait." Gaara noticed that Kankuro seemed a bit too excited to return to work. "Empty your pockets."

"What? Why?" Kankuro began sweating but did as he was told. "See. It's just my wallet."

Gaara looked inside and found some nude photos from women who had proposed to him.

He shook his head in disappointment. "Just…get out of my sight."

Kankuro bowed his head in shame, then immediately ran off as if he knew the situation was only going to get worse.

Shikamaru peeked over Gaara's shoulder. "Hey uh, I can throw those away if you want. I was heading to the trash anyway."

Gaara turned around and smiled at his friend. "Thank you Shikamaru. You are always so helpful."

After a five-minute walk up a multitude of stairs, they had finally reached the room Naruto was resting in.

"Naruto is resting in here," said Gaara. "He hit his head pretty hard. Plus, the medicine he is taking will no doubt make him a bit slow. Just keep that in mind."

When Gaara opened the door, he was greeted with the overwhelming aroma of multiple meats, eggs, vegetables and noodles. There was a lot of it. All cooked. The entire room was literally filled with ramen.

It wasn't easy to force their way through the bowls of ramen, some empty and some not. Not to mention the smell. Gaara regretted not grabbing some gas masks.

Shikamaru nearly slipped on some rubbery pork but luckily landed right on his boss's lap.

Naruto looked down at Shikamaru with a long noodle string hanging from his mouth. "Damn Shikamaru. Cheating on Temari already?"

Shikamaru quickly re-adjusted himself. "Jesus Naruto. You had us really worried."

"I am still quite worried," said Gaara. "How in the world did you finish all this food?"

Naruto stared at Gaara in confusion. "What do you mean? It's not a lot. You're welcome to some after I finish."

"You mean you're not done?" Shikamaru responded in amazement. "You know what, it doesn't matter. Just sit there and listen to our current situation."

Naruto listened intently to everything his assistant had to say and to everyone's surprise, quickly came to a conclusion.

"I have come to a conclusion," he said.

They were surprised but listened closely.

"I need more salt in my ramen."

Shikamaru was getting ready to throw his fist at his boss's face. Gaara gave a chuckle. Unfortunately, Shikamaru would have to wait on his anger as there was suddenly a violent earthquake.

"Yo! What the hell?" Shikamaru was launched from the bed. Gaara stumbled but caught himself. Naruto's ramen flew into his face.

Then, just as fast as it occurred, it had ended. Gaara rushed towards the window and saw a scene that made him do a double take.

"Oh my lord…what is this?"

Naruto and Shikamaru rushed towards the other window.

Both of them looked in horror at the two giant, star-like eyes glaring down at the village. There was no way this could possibly be happening. Yet it was. The giant sand creature, one of the nine fabled tailed beasts, had appeared right in front of them. Shukaku of the sand.

 _***Authors note:_

 _Hello everyone. I had a blast writing this chapter but it wasn't until I was almost done that I realized, "Hey. I hardly advanced the plot." I was having too much fun with the banter. Anyways, I hope you still enjoyed. I promise the next chapters will incorporate the humor more with moving the plot forward._


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